Engaged Encounter: Seeing the Beauty of the Vocation of Marriage

Although Zach and Cheri Mallahan met in second grade, their journey as a couple starts much later. Both grew up in Bellingham, Washington and attended Western Washington University. During their time at Western, they became involved with the Catholic Newman Center. This was a new experience for Cheri, as she was raised Baptist. She converted to the Catholic Faith in 2001. Before the two discussed marriage, they realized they shared an interest in the important preparation it takes for married life. That passion continued after they wed in 2004. This month, they celebrate 15 years of marriage and have been involved in Engaged Encounter ministry for more than ten of those years. Along their journey from an engaged couple to a “house full of boys,” as Zach put, they experienced Engaged Encounter (EE) first as they were preparing for marriage and later as a presenting couple.

They went on their Engaged Encounter retreat up in Canada. However, their own involvement with Engaged Encounter began in Spokane. “We went to school with some people that we are close friends with, who had an aunt and uncle involved in Engaged Encounter, and they said ‘hey, why don’t you come out, you can start by just coming to our monthly meetings,’” said Cheri. “So, we started doing that and from there we’ve just remained involved.”

What exactly is Engaged Encounter? Engaged Encounter grew out of Marriage Encounter, a marriage enrichment retreat and movement that began in the 1970s. The Engaged Encounter retreat is a weekend long retreat that helps couples preparing for marriage learn communications skills around the difficult and mundane issues that a married couple will face. From navigating family traditions and raising kids, to discussing budgets, emotions and intimacy, the retreat is meant to create a space for couples to have those deep conversations as they prepare not just for a wedding day, but for a lifelong marriage.

‘Wedding is for a day, a marriage is for a lifetime’

“You can have all of the Catholic theology and understand all of the beauty of marriage; and you can still fight about finances and still argue about kids’ stuff,” Cheri points out. The Engaged Encounter retreat helps couples bring in the communication piece of marriage formation — all within a Catholic context.

The weekend retreats are led by a chaplain and two presenting couples. Usually one of the presenting couples has been married for a longer amount of time, like the Mallahans, and the other is more recently married. The couples lead by sharing personal experiences; they share how they address topics that engaged couples will soon face once they marry. In 2010, the retreat was restructured to include more information about Theology of the Body — St. John Paul II’s vision of the meaning of the human body and human sexuality. Topics have been updated to meet the needs of today's couples. Zach noted that the program can’t be simply catechetical or fit just one model of engaged couple. “We look at EE like an umbrella; we might have some people who come on the weekend where one of the engaged is not Catholic and may not believe, to two cradle Catholics who are on fire” for the Faith.

When asked why they wanted to be involved in marriage prep and EE, Zach shared, “We have always had a special place in our hearts for marriage prep. Even before we dated, we would have these conversations about how we would raise kids. We feel that before you get married, you really need to spend time figuring it out.” While Cheri added, “It [marriage] is such an important sacrament; not very many people view it vocationally, and we felt a calling to help others see the beauty of the vocation.”

The weekend retreats themselves require a lot of writing. There are many topics discussed and couples are presented with questions to think about. Individually, the engaged couples write down their thoughts and then share them with their future spouse. “I think that the benefit and the wisdom of Engage Encounter, is to say that ‘sometimes you can have a conversation, but depending on personalities, someone can be overbearing,’ so what writing does is it allows you to get your thoughts out and to take time to think about things,” said Zach. “And then go and be able to share that.” Zach and Cheri attend ongoing monthly planning and fellowship meetings with other EE volunteers. It is here they utilize the same format they use as presenters when they lead a retreat weekend. This writing-and-sharing format allows couples to continue enriching their own marriages with the methods they share while on the EE retreat. Cheri points out that this reinforces, “the idea you can’t give what you don’t have.”

Zach and Cheri’s excitement for the EE retreat is clear. They agree that the time away from the chaos of wedding planning and preparation is important. Cheri stresses, "the retreat is great for removing all the other distractions and focusing intensely on marriage for the weekend.” She adds, “the slogan of EE is ‘Wedding is for a day, a marriage is for a lifetime,’ So it’s kind of shifting your focus from wedding prep — the stresses and the drama — and saying okay that’s important, but what really matters is preparing for the sacrament of marriage.”